| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2009|01:12 am] |
So, a bunch of my Facebook notes are going bye-bye. I think there was a time when it was very important to me that all of my candid thoughts, turmoils, blood and guts be out there for everyone to see on the internet. But now that I am working in the corporate world, I am realizing that privacy is becoming more and more of a rarity to be embraced.
I will still write notes, and I am soon to have my own blog--but the recent trend in terms of what I post is that I am a lot more careful about what I say, and that my commentary is hemmed in just a tad. This is a good thing.
I am very far from who I was a year ago. I had a lot of things inside me that were anguished and full of turmoil, that were screaming to be released. I was heading toward some kind of breakdown, which I think I experienced.
I got it out of my system; I went on to graduate; I dealt with some very difficult and unexpected factors that were beyond my control, but still pushed onward in order to get my life together, despite the chaos that surrounded me and dwelled within.
I feel now that I am not only back on my feet, but am more sturdy than I have ever been.
In terms of my writing, I have been on something of a haitus. My brain was just too full for a while, and I have been learning new things in sort of a different way. As I begin focusing on my future, yet again, and pick up where I left off, I will need to start writing again. I anticipate something of a reinvention, although I am not sure in what capacity.
I guess all I can say now is "stay tuned". |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 3rd, 2009|03:33 am] |
UHHHHHHHH It's been forever since I have posted anything on here. Does anyone really care about livejournal anymore? Every time I log on I feel like a 14 year old. I have sort of consolidated all of my blogging needs into Facebook, not that that isn't any less lame.
I think about when I first got this thing, this LJ business. I was 19 or 20 and my friend Lourie set it up for me. I was quite a different person at the time. Weird to think of all the changes that happened recently. I spent some time up on a hill in Petaluma--a place that has sort of become a regular destination for reflection for me--and I went over a mental timeline of my life. It's been a crazy rollercoaster so far.
I think back to who I was 5 years ago. I was basically the same person in essence, but the changes have been pretty dramatic. It's funny to think that I used to have this reputation for being a "Teddy Bear" at one point. I'm still a nice guy, just not such a fucking pushover. It's weird to think that some people might consider me "angsty" now.
The main difference is that I don't tolerate people's bullshit anymore, and I found my voice. I didn't really have a voice for a long time. I had some friends who for some reason thought that I had the mind of a child. I don't get that one. Studies of the human mind clearly failed them.
Things have changed a lot. In some ways, the tangled, twisted knot that made up a lot of my life has turned into a frayed edge, but none the less I am hanging on. Something had to give at some point, and it seems like it all gave way around the same time. Ancient things that haunted us for years. Some looming spectres still remain.
I'm serious about my writing. Dead serious. That never changed. Except for that I have grown all the more serious and determined--and practiced--with time.
Some traumatic events took place, and at the worst possible time. Somehow I managed to take care of business and get shit figured out just in time to graduate. How I did it, I honestly have no idea. I think most people would have been sent to the mental hospital after what I went through. It's weird to say, but all that experience with past traumas and crises actually paid off, because I would have crumbled under the weight of everything without the knowledge I had.
It's weird and sobering, thinking back. Back to high school, all throughout college. The coping and the crises, the therapy, the figuring out who the hell I am and where to go from here. Those are the questions that keep popping up.
Resolve doesn't come cheap.
I'm fading. Getting late. This has been a pleasant enough experience, remeniscing on the old Live Journal. Maybe I'll do it again soon. |
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| On being a big boy. |
[Jul. 9th, 2009|02:50 am] |
I hate it when things are my fault. I hate it when people get angry at me, and they have every right to be. I hate that I have to say I'm sorry.
I wish I could be angry and aloof, dismissive--retreat to that adolescent place of "they just don't understand". Write some angry poems about how the world doesn't understand me.
Sometimes it feels like I went through adolescence a little late, and once I did, things changed and I had to grow up all again, in a new way.
People don't want to hear sob stories; they don't care about what hell I've been through. They don't want excuses. They don't want "I'm Sorry". They don't want any of that; they just want my shit done on time.
I have this problem where I have to learn things the hard way; instead of heeding the warning and continuing with caution, I ignore it, and go on wrecklessly. Sometimes I really am wreckless.
So, here's the task at hand now: how do I take in the ultumatum, understand it, and make necessary changes without doing my usual of kicking myself relentlessly? The adolescent ingdignation was always a handy defense. I guess now I have to realize a few things:
1. No one really wants to confront me in this fashion. They don't want to have to go through that; they don't want to say things to hurt my feelings. They just want me to do my part. They don't dislike me as a person; they just don't want to make life difficult.
2. Worrying and beating myself off is a waste of energy. It is not going to improve the situation. Instead, I need to figure out ways to make myself more efficient.
3. This happened for a reason. DOn't think of it as "game over", but think of it as an opportunity to improve myself. I am a motivated person and am always trying to improve myself. Now that I have cleared up a lot of the bigger issues, I take this chance to improve some of these other issues.
um yeah. I wrote this for me, mainly, just so you know. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2009|05:24 am] |
Haven't posted on here in a while.
About 40 minutes ago, or something like that, I awoke in a panic, feeling incredibly tense and frightened. I kind of wondered if I was losing my head.
A lot of heavy fucking shit has been going down lately, and I think I'm just overloaded right now. And I'm trying to sleep in a place where I don't feel very comfortable.
I've been waiting for a good time for a complete meltdown, where I cry like a baby into someone's arms. I could go for something like that. Sometimes I feel so frightened by things that I need someone's arms to catch me. I'm trying to reconcile with a lot here. My self, my past, my childhood, my future. It's a little too much for my brain.
Sometimes I feel strong; sometimes I feel like the weakest person in the world.
I feel like for the first time, I'm really on my own, and this is a sink or swim situation.
I know I will get through. I always do, and my strength will impress even me. That's how I feel so far. But I have these moments where I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams.
You gotta have your moment to cry every once in a while. Otherwise, you'll never make it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 28th, 2009|05:49 am] |
Right now, I think things are going ok. My moods have been eratic--up and down, happy, sad, angry, panic-attack--sometimes all in one day. But I feel a bit more stable now that my financial situation is more secure.
I think things are going to even out a bit now, and I can just focus on making this semster awesome.
I guess I'm in sort of a transitional period in my life right now. I'm figuring out what my absolute priorities are.
At the end of the day, I have to ask myself: am I being true to myself, and am I living a clean, honest life? I've made a point of taking most pollutants out of my body, and making my own health and mental health the priority. I am dedicated to living a life that is true, and wherever I am, and whatever I do, that question is always there: am I being fucking real? And if I'm not, am I at least aware of it?
I feel like I am connecting with myself in a way that I haven't in a long time--I'm getting to know my body in a new way. Working out, I feel all those muscles I forgot were there. I'm listening to what my body is telling me--that I need more sleep, or less sugar, or more time to just smell the roses, or more structure. Sometimes it feels like all that tissue I thought was dead is getting some new, fresh blood pumped into it, and slowly, I'm starting to get it moving.
And more and more, I'm checking off baggage that I've been holding on to, leaving it at the terminal instead of hauling it with me to yet another flight.
Discovering myself like this is perhaps the most important thing I've been through, and like all things worth achieving, it doesn't come easy. |
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| Bearings |
[Feb. 4th, 2009|02:37 am] |
[You're gonna notice the word "note" show up a lot--that's because I was going to post this on facebook. Also, I suck at lj cuts. But don't worry, I scrapped the idea to have it be neon green text on a pink background]
I guess it's been a while since I've written a real note. Not sure why this is, since for a while there these things were becoming a routine. I guess now that I've written down much of what's been ailin' me (and gotten very nice feedback, thank you) I now feel like I can get my ass up and start taking care of shit. The last couple weeks I've been working really hard to get my sleep schedule back to normal, which is a big deal, seeing as my sleep cylce was--well, not really a cycle at all for a while, but more of a mismatched set of times.
Believe it or not, it's true what they say. That realy messes you up. I felt weird and out of it for a good portion of the break, and now I feel like I'm getting my head on straight. It's good to have some structure back in my life, and have some goals to look to. One of my objectives lately is to be more methodical in general, and more organized. I've been fairly consistent about bedtimes and getting decent amounts of sleep, and I have also been trying to be methodical about having a morning routine. "Routine" is something that, for a long time, has not been in my vocabulary.
More routined, more organized, more together--this is the sort of thing I'm going for. More punctual. I've been quite productive the last couple of days; I've taken care of club stuff, certain loose ends, and even my graduation paperwork, which I was avoiding for a long time (I don't love paperwork). It was kind of cool to be like, "ok, I'll take care of it. Actually, I'll take care of it right now"...and then follow through.
Healthwise, I've been eating well, and eating reasonable things in reasonable portions. My habits about eating have changed dramatically, actually, when I really sit down and think about it. I had some indian food tonight, and it didn't seem like I ate all that much, but I felt really full afterwards. Then I thought about how before I would destroy and entire burrito from Sol Azteca or something, and how ungodly full that must have felt. I think I am eating less than I ever have in my life, and it's good. I don't feel starved or undernourished, or ridiculously full. Just content, and that's how it needs to be.
I still have things I need to take care of, but I am happy about how much I have done in just the last few days. I have always been a procrastinator extraordinaire, so to be on top of it is kind of a new one for me. I think I like it.
Also, I was in class today, and I sort of got hit with a bit of inspiration. I had no idea what I was going to write about for my directed writing course--I had vague concepts and images, but nothing I could really sink my teeth into. Usually when I write a story, I get a really strong, driving idea for maybe one scene, or one image, and I write that, and then other things follow. For a while, nothing quite like that had hit me. But I was sitting in class today, and Bob Coleman was lecturing on something really interesting, and I got hit with a couple of lines:
"Maybe it was the wind that night, that would have fortold everything. If only we had listened." Something like that. I wrote it down in my notebook, and can't remember word for word. In that moment, some different pieces I'd been toying with started to fit together, into more of a cohesive whole--sort of. That's how it starts: ideas vaguely fitting together. I'm not exactly sure what this thing is going to end up being, except that it will be something along the lines of a horror story, that features creepy supernatural creatures, and weird surreal stuff. Along with that opening line, I got a title: "Wayward". That's what it'll be called. I'm going to try to have this supernatural thing also somehow connect to something societal. Not quite sure how yet, but I have an idea.
Anyway, so that's the teaser for that. Anyway, I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this, except suffice to say that I finally feel like, after a good amount of time searching and stumbling, and erupting and purging, that I am starting to get my bearings back, starting to figure out what I need to do for myself. Maybe this note lacks the sort of urgency and rawness that my other ones had--I sort of like, in retrospect, how ferocious they are. But that kind of energy is exhausting, and I am thankful to the powers that be for having some stability now. I think I can put the existential questions in a little lock box for now, because I somehow I got a flashlight to figure out what I'm doing and where I'm going. I'm sure I will always have existential questions, but I think I've had it with the whole "crisis" part of the equation for now.
Someone told me that if I just relax, stop worrying, and let my mind talk to me, that it will tell where I need to go. And I think that was some of the best advice I ever could have gotten. It's amazing what kind of clutter gets in the way of things sometimes, and if you can learn to filter that stuff out, then things have a way of seeming far simpler than once thought.
I guess that's an ok way to end this? I was really liking that cheesy flashlight metaphor I had there and was going to end on that, but I kept blabbing away and got a bit derailed. Talk about wayward. At any rate, things are going pretty well right now, and frankly, it's about damn time. |
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| Chemtrails |
[Jan. 14th, 2009|05:12 am] |
Down by the sea swallowed by evil
We've already drowned
You and me watching a sea full of people
They've already drowned
So many people
So many people
Where do they go?
You and me hit by a touch of white evil
Watching the jet planes go by
You and me watching
You and me watching
The chemtrails is where we belong
That's where we'll be when we die in the slipstream
We'll climb in a hole in the sky
[Beck] |
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| imeem troubles |
[Jan. 9th, 2009|02:41 am] |
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wow I just reread this entry, and realized I was being hypocritical. Sorry, everybody. |
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| AMERICA RUNS ON DUNKINS! |
[Dec. 29th, 2008|03:46 am] |
"You will not defeat me!" Yelled Hitler at the top of his lungs. The shriek sent shivers down Indy's spine as he shifted uncomfortably in his wheelchair. Indy sneered.
"True evil never dies," he replied, his voice low and menacing, "but I was hoping we could settle this like men."
Hitler replied, "Acht Tung Baby!" as he pulled a samurai sword from the sheath on his back.
"Here we go again..." said Indy, lifting himself out of his chair, hitting Hitler with a left hook.
"You are strong for an old man," Hitler muttered, wiping blood from his mouth, "but now that I have been thawed and fitted with robot parts, you are no match for me!"
Indy sneered.
"...America," Hitler began, "it runs on greed."
"No," said Indy, "America RUNS ON DUNKINS!"
He pushed his chair toward Hitler, which knocked him to the floor in a tumble, but not before Hitler launched his samarai sword, twirling in the air like a boomerang, toward Indy's arm. With one swipe, a red gash was left on his shoulder.
It was at this point that the rage came up from some ungodly depth within him, and he grabbed his steel wheelchair, holding it above Hitler's cowering, shivering head. It was then that Indiana let out his parting words:
"GET OFF MY PLANE!" |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 12th, 2008|12:14 am] |
About a month or so ago, I went into the Doctor's office, and they showed a great amount of concern over my health. They told me that my blood pressure was way too high, and that I needed to lose weight, and that I was at high risk for heart desease. So, over the last month or so I've drastically changed my lifestyle: I began eating different food, and working out 3 or 4 times a week.
So far, the result is that I've lost roughtly 13 pounds.
Just from this relatively small amount of weight loss, I feel imensely different. I am able to move more freely, have more energy, and find that I have more mental clarity.
For the first time in my life, it seems like something is finally working, and the best part about it is that it really isn't that difficult. It takes some time, and there's definitely a transition in attitude and habit that takes place, but ultimately, it's been relatively easy.
I feel like I'm peeling off years of emotional problems--anxiety and fear of others, self-loathing, and a sort of weird disconnect that I've had with my body. This is as much an emotional process as it is a physical one. |
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| Election '08 |
[Nov. 6th, 2008|01:14 am] |
Though my last editorial on Prop 8 was a bit of a downer, I want to mention that despite that loss of freedom, and the bad taste it left in my mouth, I am still overwhelmingly happy about the outcome of the presidential election.
I walked into the polling place yesterday with a very new sense of purpose, and I have to admit that at that moment I became a bit emotional. This is the first time in my life that I have truly identified with a presidential candidate, and the first time that I felt such a strong passion toward doing this civic duty.
I am proud to say that in 2008 the United States elected a person of color into office. I am proud to be a part of this moment in history, and I can almost see the ripples that this event will leave in the waters of the future. This is a positive moment. People who voted against Obama can't see it now, but his presence in the White House will effect the country in positive ways. |
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| On Prop 8: a rant. |
[Nov. 5th, 2008|03:03 am] |
[Disclaimer: I am not religious and am not promoting religion with this statement.
Okay, it is 3 in the morning on November 5th. I've been watching the polls all evening, including the polls on Prop 8 (which I am fervently against)and feel like I need to get this all out before I can sleep.
( I am very upset... ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 30th, 2008|01:35 am] |
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Looks like Obama has a pretty good shot at winning. Finally, some sanity. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 13th, 2008|11:49 pm] |
I pick you up late at night after work
I say "lady, step into my Hundai."
[Beck] |
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| I'm an asshole. |
[Sep. 30th, 2008|12:38 am] |
I this Fall Out Boy?
No, it's __________.
Oh. Well, it's hard to tell what shit came from what bull. |
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